Make a New List

Yesterday was my husband Eric’s 47th birthday, and we’ve been married for almost 27 years. We’ve spent more of our lives married than not. Marriage is wonderful. It’s God’s idea, God’s design, and a holy provision from Him. The husband He has given me is a treasure, my soulmate, my partner, my lover, my best friend, and the man I have chosen to spend my life with. I am so thankful for him.

At the same time, marriage is hard—with a capital “H.”  Eric and I have been through highs and lows, challenges, hurts, victories, dry seasons, abundant seasons, and flourishing seasons. I don’t know anyone who has been married for 27 years who would say marriage is easy and hasn’t faced hard times. If that’s you, please share your wisdom with me!

As I’ve reflected on my husband this week, thinking about who he is and what I love about him, I want to share some thoughts with you and a strategy for loving your spouse when things feel dry or painful.

Lists Bring Order

I love lists. Give me a list of things to do, and I’ll get it done. Checking items off gives me a sense of accomplishment and brings peace. If my to-do list exists only in my mind, I’m unlikely to complete it. Instead, I feel anxious, overwhelmed, and procrastinate. But if I put it down on paper, order follows, and great things happen.

Just this past week, someone sent me a list of work questions, each numbered. I happily answered them one by one, enjoying the process.

List making calms the nervous system, focuses attention, redirects thought patterns, builds gratitude, encourages hope, and helps to align our hearts with truth.

Turning Negative Lists Into Love Lists

A few years into our marriage, I was feeling dissatisfied with my husband. I kept noticing the things I thought he was doing “wrong.” I was aware of his supposed failings and longed for more of his time, attention, and presence (my top love language is quality time). I noticed “flaws” in his character and areas he wasn’t living up to my standards. I thought of ways he could do better or areas I could fix if he would just be open to my wisdom.

This isn’t the only time I’ve experienced negative mental list-making in our 27 years.

The enemy hates godly marriages.  The enemy hates our spouse.  Sometimes the negative thoughts in our minds aren’t truly ours, they’re distractions meant to steal, kill, and destroy. If evil can get me on its side, it wins. When my mind floods with negativity toward my husband, it’s time to pause and say, “Hold up. Not today.”

That’s when I make a new kind of list: a list of what I love about my husband.

The Power of a “Love List”

Back to that time a few years into our marriage, when the mental list of my husband’s wrongs was long. I decided to create my first “What I Love About Eric” list. I wrote down as many things as I could think of and kept adding until my mindset changed. I discovered so many things to love about him, many reasons to thank God, and many reasons to be glad he was my man and I was his wife.

Marriage wounds exist. We have hurt each other many times over the years. Sometimes these wounds shadow our view of each other, discoloring the vibrant love we share. But Jesus has forgiven me of everything, and just as I’ve been forgiven, I am called to forgive my husband. When I make a new list, forgiveness becomes easier. I can look at my husband’s beauty and goodness and love him wholly.

How to Make Your Own List

1. Write down everything you love about your spouse.  Keep a list on your phone and/or in a journal.

2. Include both small and big things: acts of service, character traits, moments that make you smile.

3. Keep adding as you notice more. Your list will grow, and your heart will follow.

4. Use it to affirm your spouse, both in writing and out loud.

I struggle with verbal affirmations (my husband’s top love language), but writing helps. After making my list of 47 things, I gave it to him at midnight on his birthday and told him I’m asking God to help me speak affirming words aloud. Maybe you also need to speak words of affirmation. Start with a list, and let it guide your voice.

47 Things I Love About My Husband on His 47th Birthday

Here’s an abbreviated version of my list.  I wrote this list directly to my husband and expanded it with more personal notes in the version I gave him, but these are the highlights that I hope will inspire you to make your list:

1. He’s kind—treating everyone with respect and honor.

2. He is loving, saying “I love you” freely to me and our children.

3. He is physically affectionate.

4. His adventurous spirit. He’s a “wild man” at heart.

5. He offers the shower first.

6. He generously feeds me, our family, and others.

7. We’ve enjoyed decades of home dates together.

8. He willingly plays Scrabble with me.

9. He prays with and for our family nightly.

10. He is a fisherman.

11. He is patient and calm even in chaos.

12. He is artistic, seeing beauty in creation.

13. He has shared his artistic gifts through classes and live paintings.

14. He completes projects he starts.

15. He handles countless details in family and business life.

16. He listens to audio versions of some of the books I read.

17. He solves problems efficiently.

18. He does excellent work.

19. He is funny and makes me laugh.

20. He is generous without seeking recognition.

21. He is generous with his time.

22. He is hardworking.

23. He completes crosswords daily, showing intelligence and persistence.

24. He is a good listener.

25. He doesn’t gossip.

26. He affirms verbally, daily.

27. He’s athletic.

28. His hugs are the best.

29. He works independently but thrives in shared visions.

30. He’s resourceful.

31. He smells good.

32. He’s sexy, a faithful and adventurous lover.

33. He’s sensitive.

34. We enjoy watching shows together.

35. He indulges in Hallmark movies with me.

36. He loves our extended families.

37. He is a great dad.

38. He will be a wonderful grandpa.

39. He supports me and my dreams.

40. He is hospitable.

41. He has a beautiful singing voice and is musical.

42. He displays the fruits of the Spirit daily.

43. He embodies the definition of love: patient.

44. He helps with driving and family logistics.

45. He maintains friendships and community.

46. He loves Jesus and pursues faith.

47. I love Eric—all that he is.

    

Closing Thought

Praise God for what your spouse is doing right, and trust Him with the areas you wish were different. Good triumphs over evil, and love wins when we focus on “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”  Philippians 4:8 (NIV)